United Express - Philip Siddons Back To Creative Writing Printer Friendly Version   Welcome aboard United Express, owned and operated by a spun-off subsidiary called Chautauqua Airlines and the Republic of China. Our United Express flights are designed for the efficient delivery of you, and the hundreds of other United’s frequently stranded passengers, who have come to expect our high standards – which require us by law to get you within 700 miles of your intended destination within the mandated four-day deadline before providing alternate transportation through another, more reliable, airline. We are also proud to use these Express flights for training our new pilots and flight attendants –some of whom successfully graduate and move on to better paying careers with other airlines. Our motto Is: You’re in God’s hands, So don’t worry. Once we reach cruising altitude in about two hours, the captain will turn off the seatbelt and non-smoking signs. Both signs are backwardly illuminated by the same light bulb so that's why they're both either on or off. If your lights never go off, you’re not allowed to smoke and you must keep your seatbelt on for the entire flight. For those of you whose no smoking and seatbelt lights do eventually turn off, at that time you may feel free to get up and limp around the cabin until the blood begins to circulate in your lower extremities. Because of the narrowness of the aisle, please restrict thoroughfare to one person at a time, yielding aisle way to flight attendants and other emergency medical personnel who are also suffering from motion discomfort. The captain would like to remind you that anyone caught by our potty surveillance cameras, in the act of dismantling the lavatory smoke detectors, will be immediately bound and gagged and stowed in the unpressurized luggage compartment for the remainder of the trip and sentenced to three consecutive life imprisonment terms in the Republic of China. Those caught tempering with the overhead electrical fans, lights or chair armrests will have their electrical tool boxes confiscated by Federal Marshals, identifiable by their single earphone with the pale tan spiraling wire trailing from their ear, down to an unseen pocket which holds a powerful battery and encrypted-code-producing frequency to all branches of General Bush’s Homeland Security franchise. You will be handcuffed for the duration of the trip with a hood over your head and then executed when you disembark. Once the captain has returned the no smoking and seatbelt light to the on position in our final descent, you have five seconds to comply, before the captain begins a series of aerial barrel rolls, as this flight is part of a Cleveland air show – detailed in the fie print on the back flap of your luggage folder. For an English translation of these stipulations, call our 800 nearly toll-free automated customer service division in Bombay. Meanwhile, sit back, try to stretch your feet out as fully as they’ll extend, and enjoy your flight with us. But don’t dismantle any of the other electrical devices on this aircraft under penalty of Federal Law!